Hi All,

I am happy to welcome you to my new web site – revised, refreshed and renewed. Hmm, both my web site and I, I suppose. A task that has been wanting for some time is finally done.

Swagatam! And here are my first words of sharing my recent experiences.

I feel so blessed that I live near the ocean. One of my favourite things to do is walk along, and, sometimes, in the water feeling the gentle foam skip over my toes before settling into the sand. I had promised myself that I would do just this once the summer break started. However, I had so many projects to complete that I’d wake up mornings and get working. What a drag! I thought--as though to live were all work when, in fact, it is play. All life is play and we give it this burden of “work” and here was I caught up in the conundrum of “I have to... I have to do this.. now this .... now this and now this...” and so on.

One morning some weeks ago, I woke with the dreadful thought -- “School will re-open very soon and I haven’t been to the beach even once.” Dark balls of dread thundered inside me. I thought I’d have indigestion. I couldn’t breathe. And I said, “OK, I have to get out of this black hole that I’ve created for myself and be with the sweetness of play. Because if I don’t, then I will feel cheated out of life once I get back to work”-- (in this case, “work” is to be seen as “job”-- the payer of bills and the stealer of time for pleasurable activities, hence life ! Uh, well, only if you really really really want to do so many more things than jobwork.) But let me not digress.

So I decided today had to be my pattern breaker. I have just returned from Atlanta where I attended a retreat with our Mother. Although the retreat was just a weekend long, we travelled many more miles (how can one even measure the space we travelled, for we were within--and the journey was not always pleasant either, but so fulfilling, so gratifying, so painfully delicious and more), and having returned, I wanted not to go back to the way things have been. But to recreate with a different consciousness. So guess what

I awoke early (as usual--since I can’t really sleep in) and wondered now, do I really want to get to work? No. I want to go to the beach. Yes. So I got myself ready, ate a small bowl of fruit -- mango, the food of the gods and rice milk. And a tiny cup of weak tea--tasted so delicious today. And I left. I drove to Ocean Avenue in Santa Monica, found a parking space near Montana Avenue. Picked up a cushion and a bottle of water and walked over the bluffs, down the stairs which led to a walkway over Pacific Coast Highway on which busy cars were already going to and fro at mad speeds, crossed over, then down and walked towards the water which is quite some yards away.

The air was clear, the skies (hmm, why do we say skies when there really is just one!) gently suffused with pearly light and just a few walkers here and there. Perfect time to be at the beach. I’ve always liked going to the beach best when it is not crowded.? And in the morning hours, the place feels fresh, no lingering shadows -- the beach has rested and is now waking up from its dreams and is clear. Blessed with morning light. Smiles. Smiles.

I found a spot that felt comfortable, but not without noticing my footprints and playing with them like we used to do as kids and forget when we get swamped with work. I set down my stuff and did some yogic stretches. Felt so good to be out there moving my body in familiar ways. The dear old bones snug amid muscles and tissue enjoying the various ways they can bend and bow. Only then did I sit down and close my eyes.

Yes, I spent some time in silence with my eyes closed and the stillness inside felt like the entire universe. The waves and the shushing of the waters, the gritty sand below me--all, all was perfect. Is.

I remember having noted to a professor of mine years ago, “is is the thing that is.” He’d looked at me strangely and tried to cut down my thrill at some odd revelation. But no. Now, no one can do that. I felt so complete, so much like I used to, so much like I know is the right way, so much of me that was lost and that has returned -- rekindling my old stories, reigniting my passions and visions, re-minding my way. Hmm. Wow! I love this.

Oh Gurus of Groovy, who don’t know, hear this -- Groovy is sweet stillness, is sweet silence, is an embrace from within out. It is not jamming away, or losing oneself. But singing the right songs, telling the right stories, eating the right foods -- everything to uplift us out of the heaviness of yore, which is our own making and unmaking. And finding ourSelf.

And so it is.

I love the ocean. I should spend more time beside it. Please make me. Hmm, if we are indeed responsible for one another -- aren’t you then responsible for making sure I get to the ocean because doing so is good for me? And doing good for myself leads me to do good to humanity; therefore, by making me do good to humanity, you, too, are doing good to humanity. At large, that is. And then it all expands from here on.

You get it? You dig II. ? I have returned from a very gratifying journey. Away from home, inside mySelf. And I learned many NEW and OLD things.

NEW -- to love oneself fully before one can achieve the right things in the world. By “right” I mean those achievements or accomplishments that make one happy. By “happy” I mean that quality of emotion or being which brings one to experience equilibrium, joy and steadfastness. Balance, I suppose. And not feeling lack or want.

As a college teacher, I have said to my students before that in order to move happily in life, we must first have a correct relationship with ourselves. Of course, while this statement is not an original thought, such statements always ask for redefinitions, but I’m going to leave it to you to redefine “happily” and “correct” for yourselves -- you know best what they mean for you. And I’ve said to them, that everything is about relationships and about polarities.

We have a relationship with everything -- with the clothes we wear, the food we eat, the cars we drive, the stores we visit, how we walk, name it. So many layers of our consciousness are at play at all times. And sometimes, we forget. Our words, our actions, our thoughts can seem to be not ours – so where is it coming from

Sometimes, we perceive another person’s presentation or words incorrectly -- it must be our relationship with the thing said that sparks another layer of meaning in ourselves; perhaps, it reminds us of something we do not wish to be reminded of. And instead of clearing our own perception, we judge the other and so condemn them in some way or other. Well, such interactions then can teach us to clear our own thoughts or to not associate with the speaker who is inappropriate in word and deed. (Not so we may not judge them anymore.) Perhaps, we can just accept in us the feeling of insecurity or pain that is sparked -- that means there is a charge. So how can we release the charge

Hmmm, this is all getting too too serious. I kind of like the light-hearted tone of part one.

But this is a serious subject, and the area that I’d like to address here is simply my relationship with food. I have to admit that life stressors lead to emotional imbalances lead to allergies to foods and chemical substances that permeate our breathing spaces, et al. And that has happened with me. The effect of all this is a kind of contraction. With allergies to so much abundance in our lives, we contract. Our space becomes small; our experiences become narrower; our acceptance of reality also contracts. So that we then look only for those small dependencies that keep us in our comfortzone. And when we are in places that we cannot control, we are challenged. Sometimes, these challenges are easy to handle -- sometimes, not, especially, when they tickle or prod our insecurities.

I found myself in this predicament over the weekend. My palate had become very narrow over the years, and I was challenged with the spicy and oily cuisine. On the one hand, I said, “Wow, this is like a different kind of play. I am enjoying this. Tasting old things again.” But I was also cautious about some things. The other voice felt like a hungry child -- “What can I eat? This food is so rich, I’m not used to it. Tastes good, but I’m not used to it, and it’s burning away inside me.” And I realized that my relationship with food had to change. After all, food is life and if I am unable to accept such abundance, then I am also not partaking of life as I ought to in order to enjoy its flow to the fullest.

So, this was not a teaching, but it was a lesson. And I’ve returned with the resolve to broaden my palate. There are a few specific items that I choose to avoid, for I feel healthier without them; however, I must vary the spices I use and allow for a richer experience of life itself. A little pitta at a time will give me a new rhyme. You think

Eat in new life. Drink the heavenly waters that flow in your spine from inception to end. Embrace abundance.

You are today what you were yesterday and always will be.

I put in a pinch of hot stuff on my tofu today.

Old lesson -- love yourSelf fully to achieve happiness in the world. Be a little selfish, enjoy pleasure so you can continue to do good to humanity. The right pleasure, the good pleasure. The pleasure that leads to good deeds.

And one of the finest moments in life is to remember and realize our sense of wonder. Specially after a process of self-examination during which one is challenged with one’s insecurities and which one is forced into at a weekend away from oneself (at a class or a retreat). And here it is – my sense of wonder – I hope I can stay with it. Or it with me.

And with that, I leave you to enjoy yourself and Self. Until another time.

Love and light,
Ambika

July 15th, 2003 (Er.. Excuse the delay…more later – and be careful with the hot stuff.)